parenting

I feel so sad for the children of the current generation as well as their parents.Parenting is badly misunderstood , interpreted by many enthusiastic parents to mean to push the child to discipline, academic, sports, extracurricular activities and of course'life skills' or personality development.They actually live with the notion that this is their task or job little realizing that have got it so wrong.
If at all any 'task' that parents have, is to guide the child towards a life of independence, autonomy, to uncover the innate potential and interests in the child . As one generation gives way to the next , a new set of skills is required for the new, rapidly changing world.Old ways have to give way to the new.What is needed, is to build abilities and confidence so that the child learns the new ways,
is capable of surviving and succeeding long after the parents are gone.

Originality

Many of us profess to be 'original', as in have our own take, interpretation of everything around us.I am not sure it is true. We are , unconsciously, storing so many ideas , images around us and operating from them.
I was watching a program which was sharing the reasearch findings of a psychology test which showed that most people follow trends, what the other people are doing and tend to do the same.After all, our conditioning, parenting, socialising is all about following the society norms , blending in ,and in doing so gaining approval and acceptance of the rest.
Even when we are rebelling we are operating out of a script written by others, of playing the contrarian!!makes me feel helpless and powerless in a way . Who is the real me ? None at all.and then does there have to be a 'me' ...aren't we all one , not in a philosophical way but in that we are one body of similar thinking beings.

Fear

Fear is the motivation for many of us.We operate out of fear, make friends for fear of being lonely, strive in jobs we detest out of fear of losing our livelihood ,unabashedly lie to each other for fear of dispproval etc. etc.
We also fear new places, new interactions, new people and prefer to stay in the comfort zone, not taking any risks. We fear change,new routines,death,public speaking,exams , exam results, darkness ...an endless list really.
If we examine 'fear' , it is not out there, not with the new places,people,jobs, routines but within ourselves . Fear is our inability to deal with the unexpected , unknown,new,different. Fear is the imagined difference between reality and our perception. If we could suspend our judgement about what should be out there or what we should be out there,trust ourselves to just be in any situation,go with the flow, fear would disappear.
Fear too , stems from our perception, may be far from reality. It is in our hands, literally, to contain it.It does not exist out there, it is created by us, from our inabilities.

detachment

Detachment,a form of letting go, is key to happiness, equanimity and survival. Detachment from problems comes from an understanding that you are more than your problems, detachment from outcomes- because all that is in your control is your effort.Controlling what is not in your purview is foolish, madness.
What I cannot control, have any influence on , I must let go, and happily at that.
A simple yet powerful idea , if implemented in its truest sense , can lead to emancipation, freedom.
And pray what can we control?, the rising prices,pollution,ethics of the society, people around you, your boss? You may not be controlling them but secretly wishing they may change for the better. Can you?
Awareness of the dynamics followed by action/intervention only where you can make a difference is the key to liberation.Otherwise be inactive, passive and detached.

If you cannot control all of the above, what do you do? There is one person over whom you have the ultimate and complete 24/7 power, and that fortunate person is you!All that you want to do to others,to your circumstances and to your environment , do it to you.
"Be the change you want the world to be"- MK Gandhi

on truth

Then there is this oft repeated subject called 'Truth',somewhat maligned spiritually and philosophically. Seek truth they say. What does the word mean?
It means getting to the facts, being objective , not letting your perceptions and baggage cloud your interpretation.
There is nothing that we 'see' as is.Our senses pick the stimulus and our brain processes it. In doing so the information passes through various conscious and unconscious filters of our mind. The end result may be a case of 'chinese whispers', quite distorted from the original,the fact.
We get closer to the 'Truth' when we suspend our judgment, when we are open to another perspective, when our minds are in a receptive mode.
Most other times we are in delusion,We see, hear, taste, feel what we want to see, hear etc.We are simply validating our beliefs by distorting the truth around us to suit us, to feel comfortable.Truth is uncomfortable, we hide from it, run away from it, shut our eyes to it.Yet we all claim to be seekers of truth!
The biggest lie we tell is when we lie to ourselves, when we are not congruent, when we think one thought, say another and act still another.What are we afraid of? Others?The truth we have to live is with ourselves, not outside.Others may not know it, but we know when we lie. And we fall in our own eyes!

silent

I know that I talk,discuss,write,learn,teach, share those aspects of my life that are not yet sorted out,in which I lack clarity and understanding.
On those issues where I have achieved some grasp, I fall silent. I do not feel the need to speak, to share , to tell.
I also realize that I analyze certain issues,experiences where I do not need to. They are just meant to be observed, not commented upon, not dissected under a microscope. In doing so, the moment is lost , I am not in the 'now', I label and lose its soul, make it into an entity.
The deepest feelings and experiences cannot be described at all, words fail. In that trance like moment, I lose myself to the experience , I am in it and it is in me...rare , yet these moments happen, specially when I am outdoors, close to nature.
Thoughts cease, awareness of self ceases and a feeling of oneness,complete and total takes over.
I fall silent.

Imperfection

I have realized,rather late in life,not to chase perfection, to allow myself and others around me to make mistakes, learn, undo when possible and live with the consequences if irrevocable.
In no way does it mean that I aim to make mistakes. On the contrary, I plan and then leave the rest to unfold...sometimes it goes as per the plan and sometimes there are deviations.If I dwell too much on the abberation, I lose focus and spontaniety...I get mired in what 'must'/'ought'/'should'have been and thereby lose joy and satisfaction of the bigger goal/task that I was engaged in.
When I allow some imperfection in my life,I am compassionate towards myself, more human than God,in the now.
Working towards perfection is an impediment to creativity, serendipity. It promotes anxiety and is abrasive in interpersonal relationships.
Allowing imperfection is a form of letting go...a blissful state of mind.

holidaying

There is one kind of holiday when you pack your bags and go to another place , in doing so discover new places, people, experiences and it triggers new thoughts, learning and change in your perspective.Can be a lot of hard work as well!!
There is another kind of a holiday , which is taking a break from the daily routine, can be taken in your backyard, at the office while sipping coffee...when you appreciate the skyline of Bangalore as the black monsoon clouds roll in and rain pelts on the lush treetops.Its a holiday when you get up one day and decide not to go though the routine...instead...explore the city market on foot, do a long drive outside the city, go for a movie. Its a holiday when one Sunday you set the brunch in the backyard or terrace or some new place and not the dinning table, its a holiday when you sup on the terrace one night , under the stars , watching the moon rise between the treetops.
Holidaying is the art of relaxation, of spontaniety,of responding and giving in to your childlike instincts of having fun ,enjoying,appreciating the beauty of nature, of rejuvenating a tired mind ....of innate playfulness.It does not have to start someplace else , can happen right here , right now ...its in your mind .Do it.Enjoy.

On death

I for one cannot understand why death is associated with fear.I do not seem to get the connection at all . I can empathise with the emotion of grief for the death of a loved one ...an irrevocable, permanent void, never to be filled and that leaves one paralysed for a while...but fear? where does that stem from ..is it for one's own death? Is it for the process of dying?or is annihilation a daunting prospect?

Is the lack of acceptance for this inevitable event the underlying reason? ... to my mind it is simple ...what is born must die , anything alive , breakable , exhaustable is limited in its existence ...at least in the form that we recognise...then what is the fear about?
I was born, I must die,just like a tumbler of glass which shatters one day.... what is so difficult to comprehend?
Are some of us under the delusion that since we are 'superior'in some way...materialistically, spiritually, we will be exempt from this? We go to great lengths to prolong life,avoid disease and then what do we do with the extra years? How many years and experiences are enough? When can I say I am done ...ready?

On curios and photographs

When on a holiday , we begin clicking pictures as soon as we land and we collect curios of the local places we visit. I for one prefer pieces of wood, pebbles etc.to man made ones.The enitire trip seems to be captured in these two formats, set in time.
Makes we wonder whether these articles we gather and the pics we click help us to recall and capture the visit, moods , places or limit our memories to these two formats.At some level they are an impediment coz after some years that is all we remember of the places...the few pics and an odd inanimate object. If we did not have these,maybe,our memories will be more fresh and vivid ,we will have a larger repertoire of images to fall back upon,a new detail or scene may emerge if we trusted the mind's eye?
On a trip to Goa,I did not take the camera and clicked no pics , yet the memory of the place is intact ...will it still be after 20 years have elapsed when the memory will have faded or will i sit one evening with my son, with whom I took the holiday , and together we will unspool our memories, one scene at a time , each filling in the details of the outline that the other recalls?I wonder...

adapt

'A mighty tree cracks in a storm and the humble blade of grass stands untouched'...a simple insight into how to manage the rumble and tumble of life's offerings.
Many a times we find ourselves getting stuck, rigid in our view point, ideologies and strategies as we go through Life. We get fixed in our roles , in our routines and set in our ways. We do not even realise we have become this way .
It hits us only when we find ourselves in deep conflict with our surroundings, unable to cope, in a state of disharmony and restlessness.
At such a juncture,if we introspect, we will find that some of our ideologies have become rusted, too old , and need to be discarded.New ways to adapt to the dynamic environment need to emerge.
We become parents when we give birth,yet parenting itself undergoes a major change through the growing years of the child. If we get stuck in a certain phase, we can cause more harm than good...same applies to being a child to your parents ..the role reverses in the old age of our parents .With the spouse too , you take on many roles ...father, son, brother, friend, lover...continue taking cues from Life and continously adapt ...

within

'Within' is an oft used word ...specially in the philosophical/spiritual context....everything is within you , they say.
What does the word mean? ...that what you see in the 'out there/outside',is your perception of the world from your point of view.It infers:the 'outside' is a perception and that if you want to change the world around you , you need to examine how you perceive it,your thinking.You do not have to change the physical, the tangible around you to make this happen.
It also means that the way you perceive the outside is not the way the rest of the world does...and that is huge ...that is the crux of our differences.
If you want better relationships and harmony with your environment, be aware of your perceptions; which in turn stem from your thinking process.Make an effort to understand where the other is coming from.Even the color 'red' we see is different from the way others 'see' it.
They say'The outside is a reflection of the inside' and vice versa also holds true.You carry your world with you, literally!

Life

Life is a work-in-progress, a continous cycle in which we as passengers, get on and off.Life is a process , not an end result or a product.
In this context , if I were to review the 'goal setting process', I would say that goals will fit this ultra dynamic, everchanging cosmos if we apply them to the process rather than to the final result.
You have to earn a living ,define how you will do that and in doing that do not get so caught up, that earning rather than living becomes the goal!
Did the founders of Google and Facebook make their discoveries by defining the end result?You may define a problem and look for alternatives to solve it , in which case a clear goal is in mind.That is a linear way of reaching results.
Most new ideas, inventions or innovations focus on the 'now',the current need,the dynamics of the environment and a lateral solution,a never 'thought of before'path opens up.
Setting a clear defined goal becomes an impediment as you are working from the limitations and opportunities of the current situation.New possibilities will emerge when you move out of this 'limiting' mind set.
Results are a corollary of effort and so should be goals ...a corollary of living.

Abundance

I recently read a writing in which 'rich' was used as a four letter word , replete with the divide it creates in society, linking it to the recent Maoist rebellion etc.
What does the word 'rich' mean? Is it an absolute ? Is it only related to materialistic acquisitions? Actually , No.
Quite the contrary...as in, 'rich' is a state of mind , an attitude .A beggar could feel rich with assurance of all meals , a roof over his head for the rest of his life;yet another could feel poor having all of these.
'Richness' is a state of abundance , a belief that there is enough and more for everybody...has no corelation with absolutes, is directly corelated to your own belief system, your needs , essentially with how you perceive the world and your faith in yourself.
An apt quote on this one 'He is not rich who has plenty but the one whose needs are few'....our greed and wants make us poor , otherwise there really is enough !!

Nature

Whenever I am perplexed and feeling bogged down , I turn to nature for insights, inspiration, solutions and invariably find them.
In this so called civilized world,we homo sapiens, have lost touch with our instinct, our natural selves....it lies buried under layers of conditioning and influences from outside...makes you lose touch with the basics, the most important, the core, and blunts the innate instincts.
Look at how nature handles death, change,diversity,loss....does not get mired in any of the above ...it is a part of its,well nature/DNA!!
The behaviour of animals- is instinctive, the bond between the mother-child - with a specific purpose to nurture and then let go; the rythm of the seasons and day/night ...the continous beginnings and endings, one season seamlessly makes way for the other ...the plant nourishes its seeds, then perishes and in doing so does not question the motive...countless such insights for us to observe and internalise to understand life.
The closer we move to our basic instinct, the simpler, easier our lives will be and happier too.

communication

An oft misused word-'communication' coz we make so many assumptions that give us the impression that communication has taken place when it has not!!
We go by words whereas words , according to experts, form only 7% of the communication gambit , rest constitutes nonverbal and the 'tone of voice' ...pointing to the fact that go by the rest and not words alone , catch the underlying feelings , catch what is not being said , what is being deliberately avoided e.g. a mundane answer to a mundane question like 'How are you today?' can reveal a lot even when the answer is 'Am ok' ...its a lot easier when you can observe the body language , yet you can do this deciphering even on the phone if you observe the 'tone of the voice'.
In an ordinary conversation as well , pick up cues on the feeling/emotion of the sender and try to connect with it ..the emotion . You will be surprised how quickly you can establish connections and develop deep relations by doing so.

challenge

The other day somebody made a relevant comment that you handle a terminal disease like cancer just as you would handle any other challenge in your life ...and there could not be a more accurate insight to one's personality.
How do you handle a challenge? Do you give in, find an easy escape in a fatalistic attitude ...'this is my destiny' or do do you meet the challenge head on,with clarity of the outcome you desire and set your intent towards action aimed at getting to your goal?
In doing so , you realise your potential, you gain confidence and even if you do not succeed fully , you know you made a sincere effort..the only thing in your control.You relenquish the angst which goes with not achieving the desirable goal as you are at peace with yourself having given your best shot ...it leaves you sans guilt,anger or frustration and helps you to seamlessly move forward. You have truly implemented the 'serenity prayer' ...'God give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.'

Incompatible

Till recently, I thought 'incompatible' was bad /wrong in a relation....if you are incompatible , you cannot make the realtionship work.
It isn't really.Look into your most successful realtionships, are the two of you totally compatible ?? maybe not , on the contrary, chances are that the two of you are not.What makes the difference is what you do with the differences!!
You accept them , love them , sometimes convert them into positives for the relation by complementing each other. You don't judge the person for way he/she does things differently ...you become aware of the differences and work around them ....you may have already done that if you notice your 'easy/happy ' relations.

ambition

I have a confession to make . I do not have an ambition. I say that coz my belief system says the minute you have an ambition , you are focussing on the 'end' and the journey takes a back seat.
And what happens when the journey is not the focus, only the end is...you are in a hurry to get there ....where to? ...the end , of course. You are not in the 'now' , you are concerened about the road, the vehicle , the milestones , the implicit comparison between achievement and the goal etc. etc.
A perfect recipe to get anxious,suffer heartburn and, even when you get there , you will not be there coz , now a new ambition surfaces. I know this sounds cliched ....'stop n smell the roses' types. The point is that there is really nothing to aim outside of yourself. I gather experiences, add to my learning, enjoy my relationships, sit back and do the things that I find satisfaction in , am in tune with my body, in equal awe of nature, beauty and science and am slow ....slow ...watching life go by , both as an observor and as a particpant

phoney

I recently read Salinger's 'Catcher in the rye',was spell bound.The one word from that book that stuck me was 'phoney' ...and I see that 'phoney ness' all around me ...'put ons' ....becoming or trying to become what they are not ....a malaise whose roots are so deep that the 'actors' are lost...so engrossed in their make belief parts that they forget the very purpose of their acting!!
It is so refreshing to meet that rare soul which is truly an original, one of its kind , comfortable in the body that it is residing, free to think and express itself, not looking for approval.
Are we even aware of what 'conditioning' does to us?the influence of our parents, teachers, peer group, siblings, media ..the list is endless.What we call the 'I' or 'me' is infact an outcome/product of all of the above.
We can make a start , slowly peeling the layers of the onion, painful, ardous process till we reach the core ...the 'Who am I?'and then we can start the next step...'Who do I want to be?'